My Heart

Thanks to my wonderful cousin Patti Sittner, I am updating my blog. She sweetly reminded me I hadn't in a week or more:)  I TRULY appreciate the reminders!  I think to do it right in the middle of a diaper change or feeding and then forget by the end. Besides I'm 18 weeks pregnant with two kids...so my brain is pretty well useless! 
Well, I started my summer bible study at my church on Monday and I mean to tell you, WOW!  It is Beth Moore's "Wising Up Whenever Life Happens".  She spoke directly to me the entire lesson, though my pastor's wife said that Beth was talking to her.  So I'm not sure who wins that discussion...but I guess God can talk to both of us in our own situations at the same time through His Word, can't He??!!  In Proverbs 13:12 it says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."  Tears welled up in my eyes as she spoke.  She was telling of the 4 ailments of the heart (which are bad things) and one was the hope-sick heart.  The heart that has been waiting and waiting for something.  The heart that has prayed in faith for something over and over yet has not yet received.  I wish I could say that mine was hope-sick because I've been patiently waiting healing from a disease or to become a first time Mom, but no...my hope-sick heart is much more shallow.  My heart had become so downcast, maybe even a little bitter at my God because of my husband's job.  We went to seminary 3 years ago only on faith, knowing that God would eventually provide a full time ministry position for us or a load of knowledge to take on the mission field with us.  Then last August Dustin graduated with a Master of Divinity and since has put in hundreds of resumes to churches, only to either not hear anything back at all, God to close the door, or the churches to be "pursuing other options".  In the meantime, God provided him a job on the gas field where honesty and integrity is so obselete that I'm not sure if anyone knows the meaning of the words.  Basically, you just need "buddies".  He has been passed over time and time again for promotions, he has not received promised raises, though he is labeled a "top performer" by fellow workers and bosses.  All the while, our bills are barely getting paid and he is not only physically exhausted but mentally and spiritually beaten up.  And I'm at home, without an income, trying to follow God's call on my life to nuture and admonish my children and be a home-lover (Titus 2).  So as you can see, my heart is ill.  I feel like we have waited and waited.  And a few months ago, I gave up praying for that full time ministry position anymore. I figured God must not want us to do that or He'd provide it.  Then Beth Moore said something about the second part of that verse...she said when the desire is fulfilled it is a tree of life.  She said it's not a bush, it's not a mere flower, it's a TREE, and trees take time to become their full potential!  WOW!  At this point, in a class of about 12 women, I'm fighting back tears so I won't embarrass myself.  Needless to say at the end of class I share this testimony and embarrassed myself anyway, but I felt God leading me to be me!  It was at this point I realized I had a real heart problem.  I needed to trust God!  I needed to be patient, cause he's working on our tree and it's gonna be a big oak apparently!  :) And it's ok for Dustin to not fit in at work and not be making the big bucks or hobknobbing with the big wigs, because God doesn't want us to get too comfortable!  He's got a plan and its our job to wait and have faith.  Beth Moore said to look at the words wait and faith atop each other and see that 3/5 of faith is in the wait.  (ait)  So I prayed good and hard Monday and confessed some other heart ailments to my husband and my God and He is working on me.  He has called me to be diligent in praying, faithful while we wait, and to be soft to those around me.  I let some hurts harden my heart, I realized that the only person who I probably hadn't hardened my heart to yet was my 9 month old son, and you know why, because he hasn't hurt me yet!  Pathetic I know...but I'm praying for that softening to everyone in my life. 
I know I had more to share this week, more funnies that Zeb has said, but my heart is kind of stuck on this transformation God is trying to do in me.  I will share that Zeb has decided to give up gymnastics, I think they aren't going deep enough for him:)  He wants to do the hard stuff and they are keeping it simple.  And Sy has learned to shake his head no this week and make lots of noises and play with his tongue. He is mimicing a ton as well!  Dustin has begun teaching our young marrieds Sunday School class at church and is loving getting to use his seminary degree in a volunteer way. His goal someday is to be able to preach for free.  I guess once we pay off all our debt and pay off our kids and build a little savings, maybe he can!  But for now, he gets to just serve in our church and it's awesome!  We had 14 our first day and 18 today!  We are so excited on how God is already working among them and us! 
Pray with us for God to guide us...and that we would be patient for His moving and not our own.  We are still trying to discover if God wants Dustin to serve as a full time Pastor at a church, if we are to plant a church in North America or be foreign missionaries.  All we know is we want to be fully devoted and committed to Christ no matter whether its vocationally or not.  Pray for our finances, that God would provide what we need each month for bills and groceries and gas, the upcoming medical bills for the new baby and that we would be good stewards of what He does provide.  Speaking of which...I taught school in 3 different states for 6 years and being a young 30 year old, have not thought about retirement.  Well it dawned on my husband the other day that we should look into my past teaching experiences to see if I had any retirement.  Talk about the Lord providing...we just located about 12K that I had in retirement through Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Texas.  Crazy right?!  So total with mine and Dustin's, we have about 17K that we are praying over how to best invest it.  Dave Ramsey suggests paying off all our debt before starting retirement funds, so that may be a way God helps us to get rid of bills!  Also, we are praying for a bigger vehicle before our next child arrives in November.  Our little Toyota Corrolla fits two car seats okay, but I just don't think we could squeeze another in the back seat! 
I just want to thank all who are reading and keeping up with me.  Please be sure to become a follower by clicking on the Follow me icon on the mid-left part of the page.  God bless!