My Testimony

Today doing my Bible study, I found the Lord leading me to share my testimony here.  I hope that it encourages and gives hope! 
I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church. I was involved in everything, Christmas plays, GA's, vacation bible school, etc.  When I was about 7, I went forward with several other kids at VBS and declared I wanted to be saved.  Looking back, I believe I just wanted heaven and didn't understand my depravity, my sin, nor what salvation meant.  I was a pretty good kid. I liked to please my parents and stayed pretty active in 4H, summer ball, plays, etc.  We continued to go to church regularly until I was about 12.  The church we were at kind of died down after our pastor left and we went to another local SBC church.  A deacon came to our house and spoke with my parents and I remember overhearing him say something about "not needing our problems in their church."  So my attitude towards that church was not great to start with. My Mom was diligent and took us there anyway.  My Dad didn't go as much, he was busy with work and burned by the church himself.
My teenage years were a struggle. I fought a lot with my Mom and she would drag us to church when we could be persuaded. I hated youth group, I thought it was a bunch of dorky goody-two-shoes kids.  I became a part of the "popular" crowd at school. I was on the cheersquad, played all the sports, was in FFA, Student Council, etc.  I made great grades and continued to tried to impress my parents through my academics and extracurricular involvements. They were extremely supportive, my parents never missed an event.  I felt very blessed in that seeing most parents rarely show up.  Church became less and less important to me, especially since we often had late night games on Saturdays.  We were a very rural school, so we had to travel up to 4 hours to away games.  I began to discover a great interest in boys.  I found one that I thought would be a great catch. He was a year younger than me and new to the high school.  We "dated" for about a year and became involved in inappropriate relations.  I never wanted to be one of those girls. Even though I wasn't in church much or saved even, I did want to save myself for marriage and be a "good girl".  I knew it would disappoint my parents and it was never in my hear to do that.  When my parents realized the extent of our relationship, they forbid me to see him.  My rebellious spirit grew into a rampage. We snuck around and I became involved in other immoral activites; parties, drinking, etc.  The relationship didn't last, though my heart longed for it to. I just knew I was "in love." Admist all of this, my relationship with my Mom, Dad and brother became very rocky.  We put on our masks in public and were a great family. But I had broken their hearts and there was a lot of disappointment.  My brother went off to college my senior year and something about him not being home anymore, seemed to bind my family closer again. It helped that I wasn't in a relationship any longer too!  The summer before I left for college, I began to feel a great love and repentance towards my parents.  I knew at that point I was on my own and didn't have anyone to "save" me should I make big mistakes 4 hours away from home. 
My first year of college, I hung out with some great gals that were sold out to Christ.  I had never seen anything like it.  I went to some bible studies with them, but just kind of stayed on the outskirts.  The following year a few of my high school friends moved up to my school and shared an apartment with me.  I was very wishy-washy in my behaviors. One day I'd go to the Baptist Student Ministries with one friend and party the next night with the other friend.  I was on a roller coaster ride trying to discover who I was and who I wanted to be.  We all kind of had some changes of heart and went our seperate ways.  I spent that summer with a lady who worked at the BSM. She spent a lot of time investing in me, just being a friend.  As I became closer to her, I wanted to do more with the girls at the BSM. I became involved in bible studies, went on mission trips, basically spent all my free time there.  I went on a statewide BSM retreat one April and felt complete conviction of all my sin.  I called this my "rededication".  I continued to be very involved with this ministry my entire college stay and found a local church to attend.  Though I don't believe, in my heart I ever really made a change. My outward actions changed dramatically, but my heart was always the same. 
I moved to Arkansas my senior year of college to do my student teaching, I needed a place to live for free so I moved in with my parents.  I looked for churches all that semester, to find much of nothing.  The next fall, I moved to another town for my first teaching job. I was all on my own. It was a very taxing school and broke my heart. By Thanksgiving of that year, I was ready to quit.  But I found a great church and plugged in with their singles group and made great friends who encouraged me the whole year through. At the end of that year, I had resigned and moved back near my parents and went to work at the school I student taught at.  I loved teaching at that school.  I made some great friends and my brother and his wife had moved to the same town, so I had a lot of companionship.  My Mom told me they had a new youth pastor at her church she wanted me to meet. So I went and saw him, I thought he was a bit too "military" looking for me.  The summer of 2003 though I began attending my parents church.  A few kids from the youth group wanted me to help out, so I did.  I ended up falling for the youth guy...my husband now...he had amazing passion and taught with such conviction. I was under his spell:)  By the next summer we were courting, within a month we were dating and within another month we were engaged. We were married 3 months later, December 18, 2004.  He finished his undergraduate degree in Biblcial Studies and by June he had his first full time youth pastor job in Oklahoma. We packed up and moved there.  It was a very tough ministry. We had rough kids and a lot of purging to do there.  Satan really held a tight grip over the town and the young people.  Satan even began to interfere with Dustin and my relationship.  We had a lot of "intense fellowships".  November 8, 2006 Brother Travis Plumlee was leading a revival at our church.  It was then I knew, with my heart pounding violently, I wasn't saved at all.  I had realized that I wanted the benefits of salvation, without the transformation and works.  I was so embarrased, I was the youth pastor's wife and I wasn't saved!  But...God did a great thing, he convicted the pastor's wife as well and some deacons wives!  I wasn't alone.  I nailed down that day my salvation. I asked God to be my Lord and Savior and totally consume and transform my life.  Now life has not always been "hunky-dory" since but each step has been a step of faith and sanctification. I'm growing each day.  Within the first year of being saved, I told my husband I wanted a divorce.  Things had been rocky and Satan was medling.  He wasn't about to give me that...he asked me a simple question that I couldn't answer. He said "do you really love me?" My silence was the answer.  I spent the next few weeks studying 1 Corinthians 13 to find out what love meant.  And God gave me His love and my husband waited patiently for me to truly love him.  I think since then, we have grown together in so many ways, but that was a turning point for me.  We've learned how to fight in Godly manner, how to resolve conflict and cling to each other instead of pushing away. 
I love the Lord, I love how He is patiently waiting for us to receive Him.  He loves with a crazy, unfathomable love and gives us that to share with others. I love that He saved me, that He didn't leave me to think I was saved because I said some repeated prayer at 7 not knowing what I was doing.  I'm thankful that He is my husband's all in all and that He is so evident in His character and actions. 
My testimony isn't something I'm proud of, in fact most is embarrassing. But I am proud of where God has brought me. That this sinful, depraved, rebellious teenage, was saved by His grace, is a pastor's wife, is a stay at home Mom with a passion for seeing her kids raised and nutured in the admonition of the Lord.  He is able to change us, He is able to refine us from soot to gold!  Praise the ONE!!