My Heart

Thanks to my wonderful cousin Patti Sittner, I am updating my blog. She sweetly reminded me I hadn't in a week or more:)  I TRULY appreciate the reminders!  I think to do it right in the middle of a diaper change or feeding and then forget by the end. Besides I'm 18 weeks pregnant with two kids...so my brain is pretty well useless! 
Well, I started my summer bible study at my church on Monday and I mean to tell you, WOW!  It is Beth Moore's "Wising Up Whenever Life Happens".  She spoke directly to me the entire lesson, though my pastor's wife said that Beth was talking to her.  So I'm not sure who wins that discussion...but I guess God can talk to both of us in our own situations at the same time through His Word, can't He??!!  In Proverbs 13:12 it says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life."  Tears welled up in my eyes as she spoke.  She was telling of the 4 ailments of the heart (which are bad things) and one was the hope-sick heart.  The heart that has been waiting and waiting for something.  The heart that has prayed in faith for something over and over yet has not yet received.  I wish I could say that mine was hope-sick because I've been patiently waiting healing from a disease or to become a first time Mom, but no...my hope-sick heart is much more shallow.  My heart had become so downcast, maybe even a little bitter at my God because of my husband's job.  We went to seminary 3 years ago only on faith, knowing that God would eventually provide a full time ministry position for us or a load of knowledge to take on the mission field with us.  Then last August Dustin graduated with a Master of Divinity and since has put in hundreds of resumes to churches, only to either not hear anything back at all, God to close the door, or the churches to be "pursuing other options".  In the meantime, God provided him a job on the gas field where honesty and integrity is so obselete that I'm not sure if anyone knows the meaning of the words.  Basically, you just need "buddies".  He has been passed over time and time again for promotions, he has not received promised raises, though he is labeled a "top performer" by fellow workers and bosses.  All the while, our bills are barely getting paid and he is not only physically exhausted but mentally and spiritually beaten up.  And I'm at home, without an income, trying to follow God's call on my life to nuture and admonish my children and be a home-lover (Titus 2).  So as you can see, my heart is ill.  I feel like we have waited and waited.  And a few months ago, I gave up praying for that full time ministry position anymore. I figured God must not want us to do that or He'd provide it.  Then Beth Moore said something about the second part of that verse...she said when the desire is fulfilled it is a tree of life.  She said it's not a bush, it's not a mere flower, it's a TREE, and trees take time to become their full potential!  WOW!  At this point, in a class of about 12 women, I'm fighting back tears so I won't embarrass myself.  Needless to say at the end of class I share this testimony and embarrassed myself anyway, but I felt God leading me to be me!  It was at this point I realized I had a real heart problem.  I needed to trust God!  I needed to be patient, cause he's working on our tree and it's gonna be a big oak apparently!  :) And it's ok for Dustin to not fit in at work and not be making the big bucks or hobknobbing with the big wigs, because God doesn't want us to get too comfortable!  He's got a plan and its our job to wait and have faith.  Beth Moore said to look at the words wait and faith atop each other and see that 3/5 of faith is in the wait.  (ait)  So I prayed good and hard Monday and confessed some other heart ailments to my husband and my God and He is working on me.  He has called me to be diligent in praying, faithful while we wait, and to be soft to those around me.  I let some hurts harden my heart, I realized that the only person who I probably hadn't hardened my heart to yet was my 9 month old son, and you know why, because he hasn't hurt me yet!  Pathetic I know...but I'm praying for that softening to everyone in my life. 
I know I had more to share this week, more funnies that Zeb has said, but my heart is kind of stuck on this transformation God is trying to do in me.  I will share that Zeb has decided to give up gymnastics, I think they aren't going deep enough for him:)  He wants to do the hard stuff and they are keeping it simple.  And Sy has learned to shake his head no this week and make lots of noises and play with his tongue. He is mimicing a ton as well!  Dustin has begun teaching our young marrieds Sunday School class at church and is loving getting to use his seminary degree in a volunteer way. His goal someday is to be able to preach for free.  I guess once we pay off all our debt and pay off our kids and build a little savings, maybe he can!  But for now, he gets to just serve in our church and it's awesome!  We had 14 our first day and 18 today!  We are so excited on how God is already working among them and us! 
Pray with us for God to guide us...and that we would be patient for His moving and not our own.  We are still trying to discover if God wants Dustin to serve as a full time Pastor at a church, if we are to plant a church in North America or be foreign missionaries.  All we know is we want to be fully devoted and committed to Christ no matter whether its vocationally or not.  Pray for our finances, that God would provide what we need each month for bills and groceries and gas, the upcoming medical bills for the new baby and that we would be good stewards of what He does provide.  Speaking of which...I taught school in 3 different states for 6 years and being a young 30 year old, have not thought about retirement.  Well it dawned on my husband the other day that we should look into my past teaching experiences to see if I had any retirement.  Talk about the Lord providing...we just located about 12K that I had in retirement through Arkansas, Oklahoma, and Texas.  Crazy right?!  So total with mine and Dustin's, we have about 17K that we are praying over how to best invest it.  Dave Ramsey suggests paying off all our debt before starting retirement funds, so that may be a way God helps us to get rid of bills!  Also, we are praying for a bigger vehicle before our next child arrives in November.  Our little Toyota Corrolla fits two car seats okay, but I just don't think we could squeeze another in the back seat! 
I just want to thank all who are reading and keeping up with me.  Please be sure to become a follower by clicking on the Follow me icon on the mid-left part of the page.  God bless!

Zeb's questions continue...

Last night while singing and praying at bedtime, Zeb posed another good question:) I was praying and when I finished zeb asked if Jesus hears me. I asked, "well what do you think?" he said "no". I asked why and he said "because you talk to quiet"! :) thus began our lesson on Jesus being able to hear any voice, even the unspoken thoughts we have:) this morning's question was a bit more serious. He said "mom, we have to die to go see Jesus right?" I said yes and he asked "how will we die? Will we die on a cross?" I told him I didn't know how we would die but probably not on a cross, they did that in Jesus' day but theydon't do that much anymore. Wow...his brain is so full of thought! I'm definitely going to have to study and be ready in and out of season!

Hard Questions

Zeb

Well as my son, Zeb, continues to grow in age and stature, his questions are becoming increasingly more difficult to answer. Now Zeb is the kind of kid that will talk the whole way from California to Florida!  He is so inquisitive, he wants to know what every word means, what things are along side the road, what each sign says, how and why people do things they do.  And more recently as we've been better able to share Jesus with him, his questions are revolving around death, salvation, Christ's return, etc.  Now from a three year old, I find these questions to be quite "BIG". 
My son overheard Dustin telling his Mom about a man who had passed away last week due to a car accident.  I guess he had a few questions for Dustin, but I think he saves most of the hardest ones for me when Dustin isn't here to refer him to! :) 
Each day at naptime Zeb wants me to sing one song and most of the time, it is Zacchaeus.  So after singing it yesterday Zeb asked if Jesus lives near Zacchaeus.  I told him that sadly I didn't know, I needed to look that up.  (And that was the easiest question he asked in this conversation!) He went on to ask when we were going to go to Jesus' house. I said whenever Jesus is ready to come and get us.  He said, "Mom, I'm ready to go to Jesus'" house.  Oh yah, water works right now.  Okay, my three year old son is ready to proclaim he is ready to be with Jesus. It got me thinking, can I say that??  Yes, I'm saved, I am a child of God, I know when I die that I will live in eternity with Jesus, but am I ready for that??  My flesh cries out NO!!! NOT YET!!  But why??  Why is my 3 year old son eager to get there and I'm not?  Because the pleasures of this world, the passing pleasures still have a grip on my heart.  Dear Lord, rip that grip to shreds!  I began praying to God that my heart would be so ready to meet him face to face.  What is there to love about this world anyway?  I find myself discontent and complaining all too often as it is, why on earth would I want to prolong my stay?  So...have you asked yourself that question lately?  Are you ready?  Do you know Christ as your Lord and Savior and have received the grace through your faith in Him?  It is only through Christ that we are saved.  No other name can get us to heaven or reunited with the God who created us.  And if you are...do the cares of this world, the fleeting pleasures of this world have such a grip on you that you aren't quite willing to go just yet??  These are hard questions.  It was through my son, my three year old dear son, that God brought this to light in my heart.  I pray that God would make me more ready everyday.  I think of the song by Laura Story, "Blessings" and it is so true.  I think these hard times in life are possibly God's mercies.  It could be worse.  But one day it's going to be so much better and I want to long for that day more than anyother.  I want to desire the Lord's coming like I desire my husband to get home from work each day!  Or even greater!

It's about time

I'm so glad to know I have readers!!!  My Mom emailed me today and asked if I had given up on my blog or if she just wasn't getting the updates...oops...sorry Mom. I'm on it now, it's about time I get to it anyhow! 
So here goes...yesterday I had to give thanks to my Lord for showing Himself to me in an odd way.  We live in a rent house and our landlord goes to church with us, this family has been so kind to us!  Well our air conditioner has not been working well, it runs non-stop from about 9 am-midnight.  And even at that, the temperature rises all the while.  So at about 5:30 last night I began to get really flush, feeling like I was going to pass out, wondering how I was going to cook dinner for my family.  The temperature had risen to 80 inside, yah I know I'm a wuss!  I was near tears and I explained to my husband that I couldn't handle the heat but more than that I cannot fathom what our electric bill is going to be this summer with the ac running non-stop.  We had an ac guy out this weekend and basically he said its doing all that it can do.  So anyhow, in my near tears state I began to cry out to God that I needed to know what we needed to do.  Did we need to move to another rental house/apartment with utilities included so that we could survive the summer??  Well I didn't hear an audible answer, but my phone rang. It was my landlord and she said that she found some window units in their shop and wanted to know if that would help.  So...of course we said yes and I recognize that as my God providing!  It isn't going to help our electric bill, but I might just survive the summer being pregnant:)
I have been stressing a little over the summer for other reasons as well.  I am a stay at home Mom that likes to stay at home.  For one, we don't have money to go and spend doing things anyway. But second, I just like being at home with my kids. I don't get enough done as it is, I can't imagine never being home.  Well, this summer has provided a ton of activity for us.  I will have a bible study on Monday mornings, Tuesday mornings Zeb will have swim lessons and gymnastics, Wednesdays are free except for church in the evening, Thursdays Zeb has swim, I will be meeting with my mentor, and we will have Life groups that evening, then Friday we have been invited to a friends to swim.  SO...I'm excited for what we have the opportunities to do that will not cost me a things other than time.  I'm thankful that I will be able to develop and grow relationships.  I'm just a little worried that I won't get much done around the house.  I am now in my 2nd trimester though, so my energy level is back up again and I might just have some nesting sprees:) 
Speaking of 2nd trimester...21 more days until we hopefully find out whether we are being blessed with a sweet girl, or another adorable son.  I can honestly say I'd be happy with either one.  Of course there is something in me longing to doll up a little girl, but I already have boy stuff and have kind of figured out how to deal with boys. 
Well...I think that is all that I have to update at this point. 
I'd like to recommend a bible study for any who might need a little something: "Lord Change My Attitude" by James McDonald.  It has really opened my eyes to see how negative I was and how negativity breeds negativity.  I also began to see how to be content with my lot, not base my joy and happiness on circumstances or possessions.  It is helping me to think more positively, to be a content and joyful soul.  I would encourage anyone to go through this study, either on your own, with your family, or maybe with a group.  I think it can be life changing!